casualfriend

                                         If I had one day to live  it would be spent with family and my true friends. 
I wouldnt want it any other way  no material things , just to be with the ones I love and would tell them 
please dont cry for me.  Dont shed a tear for me cause i lived my life .Miss me but dont cry for me . Love me and let me go but dont cry for me when im gone . Ill always have a place in the hearts of the ones I love.  The time with them would mean the world to me.

   
                        I sit and wunder , do people really read my journal and does it help anyone?  I find the live journal a way to get my feelings out .   I dont try to hide my feelings just easier to get it on paper or computer .  Im new to this and probily its lame to most people but it helps me .  I want to make journal friends but dont know if people really  read mine please let me know.

               Valentines is one of the hardest days for me .  Lots of bad things has happend to me on this day .  I woke up telling myself it was time to let go of the past and move on.  I got a man that loves me very much and its our second valentines day .  He has some stuff to do today ,  so im thinking about makeing him a specail dinner to come home too . Alot of lonely people dont lke this day but when we look at the big picture no one isnt ever totaly alone there is always someone around who loves or cares in someway.    I hope I can make everything work out just right . 

                      I woke up today in a real good mood unsual for me.  The sun is out and its cool not to hot on to cold just right.
We have a new crazy women on the block .  I went and opened my door this morning to find a little baby in a car seat in the middle of the street . I looked around the no mom or dad to be found .   I saw a car comeing  I ended runnning  out in road snatching the carseat with this baby in it .  The crazy lady comes running out  the house screaming put my baby down .  I looked at  her and said look you crazy bitch you cant leave a baby in the middle of the road dont you know anything.  Her comment was I was only gone for  a minute ,  My reply was and your baby could have been gone for a life time .  After my little alturecasion I went on my  way .  I got in my truck and started to drive  and thought about that crazy women and that poor baby .   People just dont understand life is just barrowed time .  We are here one moment and could be gone the next.     things are taken for granted now adays and we just dont know what we really have to its gone.         What would that women have done if her baby would have gotten hit by that car ?    She seemed more ungratefull than thankfull.     I just dont understand how a mother can just leave a child in the street . I told her she didnt deserve to be a mother if she couldnt take c are of her child.

           After yesterdays eventures im tired .  I always tend to do for others and forget about myself.   I have a tendency to take on jobs and task that end up hard to handle.    I work grave yard shifts and then turn around and do things for everyone else and dont seem to stop think ,   hey I need a brake today .     First thing this morning my phone rang and it was my friend wanting to finish moveing , I wasnt even awake yet but of course me being me ,  I puled myself out of bed and went to move her things .    I must learn the word no .     I am going to try to go lay back down but first I must unplug my phones and crawl into bed and just let the world make it on its own.   

             I  left for work last night and thought it was going to be an easy day cause when I done with work I just had to take a lady that lives at the motel I work to go grocery shopping .              It didnt end up like that at all .  I loaded up her and her thre kids under the age of three in  the truck .   We got all the way to the store to find out my tire was going flat.  So now I got three crying kids a flat tire  and of course I couldnt find the jack to the truck .  I ended up going to a oil place  asking a man to help me fix my truck .  So now I got three crying kids a truck with a flat tire and a man crossing  the street with a big jack for the truck .   Well then I couldnt find the tire iron so the poor man had to cross the busy highway to get a tire iron .  we ended up getting the spare tire on and i gave the guy ten dollars for helpiong then noticed the spare was going flat so he told me to drive it to the oil place so he could put air in the tire . I crossed the street got air came back around took the women and her kids into the store to shop .  We got in the store with three crying kids and smelt something bad one of them poohed out the side of his diaper .  Now I got my flat tire taken care of three crying kids one poohy kid and a mom mad as heck .  We got done shopping when we got back to the ladies motel room she got a  call on a renting a trailing .  So dummy me ask me to take her to check out the trailer of course I said yes like a dummy .  when she picked her trailer out we had to go two hours away to get the money for the rent from her husband so crying kids and all we took the ride . Mind you I have a fear of bridges and yes oh yes on one part of the journey I had to go over a big bridge . now we have three crying kids me hipper ventlating over the bridge .  to say the least we got the money got back gave the money to the landlord and oh then the next question came in to play and asked if i could move the big furniture to the new trailer so my boy friend and i went to ge t the ladies truck paid someone twenty dollars to move her heavy couch .  THis was my day .

                                            When I was a  small child I grew up knowing my mother didnt want me and a father who beat and hurt me .

My dad was a drug addict and acholic .  He use to lock me in a closet for days on end with no food or water .  At thriteen I couldnt read write and was in kindergarden work .  All my life I was the child that was different and didnt seem to fit in the world . Still to this day I try to find where I fight in this world and where I belong .  I dont  really understand the things I have gone threw and why  but someday when I meet my maker I will get my answers .. I was married to a wunderfull guy at one point in time and had to beautifull children but wasnt ever happy . I didnt want to do anything didnt clean my house didnt want to cook or do anything but be alone . I lost my family  . My husband ended up leaveing me . When I was separated from my husband I started seeing a guy thought he was the greatest thing in the world till that day he began to beet me . he would hit me so hard I would see stars . I told my husband I needed a brake to take the kids for the weekend but then to I lost them .  When it came to my divorce I didnt fight for my kids cause I knew they where safe and  he could give them more than I could .  I dont  regret giveing a better life than i could but I do regret everyday that I failed like my father did me.  The beetings got worse and like my dad I turned to drugs I started useing meth and coke  to ease the pain . one night he beet me and  I did meth and coke at the same time went and baught five bottles of tyonal pms  . He kept saying I was stupid I was a nobody i would never be any good . I did the meth and coke i took five bottles of tylonal  pm and I ended up hanging myself .  I was found and i ended up in the hospital for two weeks getting my stomach pump  then ended up in an instition for three months and in there i started to find out things about myself .I was digonsed with bi polar and am on medicine to help me .  I ended up standing up for myself , I found out I was a person and I could walk down the street with my head up and be proud of me .  Yes I make mistakes like everyone else but it dont make me a bad person and it dont make me worthless .  The man I was with ended up hitting me one to many times and I called the law and stood up for myself and he was put in jail without bond for a long time.  Im not telling people it is ok to do drugs or its ok to let people hurt you cause its not ok but its ok to get the help you need before its to late like it almost was for me . Im alive to write this because it wasnt my time to go my maker has a different plan for my life .  There is never a day that goes by I dont miss my ex husband or my kids if I only knew about my bi polar then as I know now maybe things could have been different but it didnt go like that i went down the hard way of life and came out a better person for it . if anyone wants to know more or as questions please feel free to ask. I am not looking for pitty im looking to help whom ever I can.